To love one's self is the greatest gift of all...

That statement may seem self serving, and in the right light, maybe even self defeating, "To love one's self is the greatest gift of all." Yet it touches on the biggest truth, if we don't love ourselves, value our worth, and take full responsibility for our happiness, then we can never move into a role of support for anyone else. In my 30 years on this planet I've learned a lot of different things from many different people. I'd like to say that every time I learned from my mistakes and never made the same ones again, but that would be a great fallacy. I'd like to say that I know my mind and love myself at all times, but I know that this is also not true. I'm just another person trying to make their way in this cold world. Every time I attach myself to an idea or a concept of who I think I am I get a gentle reminder that, like the oceans tide, I am constantly changing. I often boast that I do love myself and that I know who I am, and then something or someone will come into my life and shake me to my core, and I almost instinctively retreat back into familiar habits. I've been guilty of allowing someone else's action determine my happiness and my worth. I've even bent into things that go against many of the ideals I've held as absolute truth. In short, I've done what I said I would never do. So when someone tells me that "I'll never become an addict" or "I would NEVER do that" or any a laundry list of wouldn'ts, I just smile and say, "Well let's hope not!" Because you can talk all you want about what you would do in any situation, unless you actually face the fire and don't get burned, it's all speculation and about as useless as, well, tits on a whore. We've all had trials in life and all have things that we are getting past, yet, on the whole, most of my friends and especially myself, have lived pretty privileged lives. We don't know the devastating face of war in our backyard; we have never really faced hunger or lack of clean water or gone without shelter. It seems that the comfort of privilege has made us lose sight of what is most important and essential to live a truly fulfilled and purposeful life. That is to love yourself! That will open you up to realize that enemies, friends, family, and strangers are a part of you. You don't necessarily have to agree with the choices people make, but you don't have to chastise them for making them. When you love yourself you become happy with the life you life and you no longer compare your experiences to the life's that others live. You become more happy for the success of others and can share in the joy of their accomplishments, rather then wishing it was you who was having them. In short: LOVE!

Falling into the past, for a moment...

The crisp chill on warm skin always brings me to that special place we used to know. With the gentle easing of a fall breeze I am moved into memories with autumn colored leaves. I can almost smell the way you smelt then, I can remember the softness of your bare skin against my bare skin, two bodies and souls intertwined under the blankets warmth. Nothing could harm us there, we were surrounded in ourselves and in our love. The simple act of a loving look, the pleasure of a delicate caress, the silent cup of coffee shared while being lost in the season. You are fall drive, windows down, music blasting, smoke barreling, life being grasped. I keep you in that breeze, in that season, so that when those winds start blowing I am transported to a beautiful time that was spent. I smile at the grand love that was shared, so I can stop in and visit you sometimes. It reminds me of the power of love and the importance of change, like the dying away of leaves to save the tree that is rooted, and the need to let it all flow and to not try and tighten my hold.

Flash Back Friday - Walkman's with Tape Decks

In this day and age where everything is moving so fast, where information is passed in nanoseconds, and things keep getting more streamlined and tiny, it's easy to forget what was innovative just years prior. I was marveling at my i-Pod's many functions and I had a fond memory of my Sony Walkman (and I'm talking about the tape deck one, not the CD player!). If you were alive during the 90's in America, you had one of these at one time or another. It was the most cutting edge technology of the time! You could take your tapes ON THE GO!! I specifically remember asking for this for Christmas and the delight on my face when I opened the wrapping on this gift and saw the shiny plastic packaging. I couldn't wait to get the scissors out and tear into it!! The greatest thing about getting this as a gift at that time was that it usually came with a pack of batteries! SCORE! You were mobile. When you're a kid you don't have a lot of money, and two things that became hard to come by were new tapes and batteries. It was a delicate balance between either 1.) Buying blank tapes to bootleg your friends music. 2.) Buying a new tape you really really want. or 3.) Buying batteries to keep mobile. Road trips were the biggest test of reserves. You could usually scrape together that money for the 4 pack of batteries. A typical trip to say, Anaheim from Las Vegas can run approximately 4 hours. The typical life of batteries running a tape player was right around 3 1/2 hours and then you had to switch to the radio, which got weaker and weaker until it faded into completely dead batteries. During the 3 1/2 hours of travel you no doubt have listened to the few precious tapes you own and are ready to mix it up a little. Luckily I have a cool brother who introduced me to some of the best hip hop ever during various road trips so we could share our tapes with each other. At this point though you are in California for what may be 2, 3, maybe 5 days. You will need to listen to some music while your there and you have the drive home still. The best conservation measure was straight radio only in the city. It just used less batteries plain and simple, you later while driving home through the desert you wouldn't be getting a signal unless you wanted to listen to county music or Christian radio. It was a great time!! Now a days you can RECHARGE YOUR MUSIC DEVICE?!?!?! 20 hours of music, with a car charger give you an unlimited amount of road music! If you want to listen to a song twice you need only press one button and in seconds it there. Want to re-listen to a specific part, look at the time on the screen and just skip to it, DONE. Not in the age of the tape. It took almost as long as the song to rewind it, if you didn't pass it a little and go to the other song. You just hoped that the song you wanted to listen to was the first song on that side of the tape so it would just stop at the beginning. But you better hope that the tape never snapped either! There is no fix to that blunder! It would just be done son, leaving you to either hope a friend has that tape or that you could buy another copy.

It's just interesting to look back and see what innovative and new vs. what is now. It makes you wonder what they will come up with next and if it will really enrich our lives or if it will kill us in the name of progress. I for one couldn't be happier with the invention of the the iPod!

LML

OOhhhhhhh what temporary joy came from a lack of inhibitions. What beast I've become wanting to hold and trap you like a bear would do a harmless bunny. You, with such a strong and drawing personality, lulling people into your spell. You captivated and challenged me, and although I fought with my better judgement, I lost the battle. I should have known better than to fall so freely into your void. Should have's and could have's don't hold any emotional currency. It's too late to pretend that I should have known better, I knew perfectly well. From the start we both dodged responsibility with clauses and pretty painted empty words. You came into my life for a season, I just hoped that it was for more. We shared a minute, a memory, a few laughs, a few endearing glances. It's the impending demise that I can't grasp well enough to just let go.

The Year (2009) - In Retrospect

As years go by and resolutions come and go, I've learned that if you want to change anything it doesn't matter what time of year you do it, you have to be committed to making a change. Of course sometimes things change and in order to move forward you must deal with them, and by doing this you are making fundamental changes to your character without forcing anything. But a new year always makes me reflective. It gives me a point of reference for looking back. There are always laughter and there is always a few tears, there are accomplishments and letdowns, there is pride and there is defeat. Yet in the end, at the point of reflection, I've made it another turn around the sun. 2009 started with a bang, quit literally! Jorge and I rang in the new year with Michelle, TRH, Nicole, Jamie, and Liz. We ran around the house banging on pots and pans screaming, "WE'RE GONNA SHINE IN 09'!" After years of playing the immigration game Jorge and I had FINALLY received a letter telling us that we had an appointment to get his Visa!! The appointment was in Cuidad Juarez, Mexico. We started this process almost 4 years ago. Happy and in love we wanted the same rights as everyone else who is married in America. We wanted to be able to work in jobs we deserved, open bank accounts, travel to see our family, etc... You know the rest of the story. On February 13th we tearfully said our goodbyes as Jorge boarded an airplane en route to Celaya and I got in the car to make the 3,000 mile drive back to Portland without my husband. But the Medina's will not be held down! We knew what had to be done. We were happy in love and thankful that we were able to have our road trip that took us on roads and to cities we had both not been to yet. We went to Vegas, Phoenix, New Mexico, El Paso, and Juarez. People will not understand our story or our love, well not all people. Everyone has their opinion about immigration, our situation, and they way we've been handling it. Some have agreed and some have had very "interesting" takes on what they would do. It's funny really, but the biggest thing I learned in 2009 is that you can NEVER say what you would do in someone else's shoes, PERIOD. Anything you could offer besides support is wishful thinking at best. But we moved forward, apart in the flesh, but together in our spirits. You have to handle business sometimes. I came back to Portland determined on many levels, but the first was to get a job. I knew that when it was time that God would open up a door for me. Within two weeks of being back I had landed a job at another engineering firm. I was happy to be absorbing new information and working again around people who were very supportive. I was in the zone chief. I know that life is too short to sit around pitying yourself, you have to get out and do what you want/need to do. I have a very supportive husband who is selfless and giving. He encouraged me to travel and to do what I needed to do. This year I was able to travel to the Redwood Forest for the first time. It was absolutely amazing. Breathtaking and humbling in so many ways. Michelle and I spent a long weekend in San Francisco with my good friend Mario and his left brain Adam (also T-Bone). We saw a music festival (PEARL JAM BITCHES) and got inked (freaking Ovieto! haha). I traveled to Sacramento to see my friend Nick. I was able to get to the coast a few times, I was able to see Pearl Jam for a 24th time in Washington, and got to see Ghostface Killah, Regina Spektor, and others. But the most memorable was In June I was able to travel to Mexico and spend over a week with Jorge for his birthday. This was the first time I was able to see his hometown and meet the rest of my family! It was also the first time we'd seen each other in 6 months!! We had an amazing time together. We went to Mexico City, Celaya, San Miguel de Allende, and Leon (where we got to see Cafe Tebuva!!!). We cherished every moment (okay maybe not when I got sick, but even then Jorge was great to me). Back to reality, back to the bills. Back to Portland and that familiar feeling; what the hell am I doing?? I have great friends in Portland, like a family for real!! They love Jorge and have been so great and supportive, yet what about my real family? I'll tell you this, I can be a hard bitch, but I'm a lover and a carer beyond that hard exterior. My stepdad Duane was in his 4th year of battling multiple myeloma and he was very sick this past year. He was in the hospital over 4 times, and never for something simple. It killed me to be so far away from a support standpoint. My mom is a rock, she's the strongest woman I know! But even rocks can turn to sand if rubbed the wrong way long enough. She'd never say it to me, but I knew she needed me. I was lucky enough to come home for Thanksgiving, my first time in 3 years. When I got back Duane had just gotten out of the hospital battling a blood infection. He was weak and not exactly himself. I made up my mind, I was going to come back to Vegas for a little while. I didn't do this to have people label me as daughter of the year or to win some prize, I did it because I could and I knew that God wanted me there. I went back to Portland to arrange my affairs, put our earthly possessions into storage, pick up the kids, and drive back to Vegas. Within the week Duane was back in the hospital and within that same week he was in the ICU. Driving back to LV was the weirdest drive for me, I just knew that I was going to say goodbye to Duane. It was all around me as I drove past his hometown and followed me until I pulled into my mother's driveway. The next day my mother and I (who has become very acquainted with hospitals over the past 5 years and who'd been there all day every day by Duane's side) went to see Duane. It was the hardest thing I'd had to do so far. Seeing him there was horrible. He was not conscience and hooked to what seemed like every machine the hospital had. My mom told me just to talk to him. She told him that I was there now. He opened his eyes. I told him that I loved him and that he was sooo strong. He got a very serious look in his eyes and he was trying to tell me what I know was that he loved me too, he didn't need to say it, he showed me for 10 years, but he couldn't speak. We sat with him or near him in the waiting room for the next week. One day after his 5 year anniversary of being diagnosed with MM, Duane passed away peacefully with my mother right by his side. His suffering had ended, he had won his battle. I don't even have to ask if my coming back was supposed to happen, it's obvious. I was, and am soooo thankful that I was able to be there with him and be there for my mom. Yeah, I miss him. It hit me harder then I had imaged it would have, yet even in my worldly grief I could see the light in the darkness. There were so many ways that Duane had blessed my life and my family. We miss you, but we won't forget you.

And so the year ended on a bittersweet note, much as it began. But there were so many things to be thankful for that I wouldn't change any of it. I thought I knew before, but now I'm assured of the fact that you have to do what you know is right. You have to sacrifice your comfort for the comfort or support of others. This life is not for holding tight to yourself, it's for sharing. I don't want a career, a big car, big trips, etc. I want to be there for the people I love and even the people I don't know I love yet, but mostly, be there for my family. Where will 2010 take me? I don't know!! and guess what?? I don't care!! I know I will be exactly where God needs me to be!! I won't starve, I won't be overcome by the problems of the world, but instead I will steal a quote that my good friend Nick always has around, I will "be the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi. Your 2010 is blessed, go out and enjoy it!! I love you all!

How much honesty can we really take???

I stumbled upon Post Secrets about a year ago. If there are any of you out there who aren't familiar with this check out the blog: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. Basically you can create a post card, letter, or the like with a confession you have never told anyone before and that was completely truthful. I became mildly obsessed with them and the whole concept. People judge, have been since the fall, and probably will do it until the end of time. Even if we don't think we judge, or we try to hide a voice in our head with other thoughts, the truth is the truth whether we accept it or not. I often think that if people really knew what I was thinking about them they wouldn't even believe it. As a "Christian" (a follower of Jesus, not the religion) we're told to not judge, but instead to love. Yet I sit at church and judge people who arrive late, who text, who fall sleep, the clothing choices, etc. I go out in public and I make judgments based on the limited experiences that I've had. Nobody is safe, if you're my friend for any length of time, chances are I've talked shit about you. I've done this for many reasons, but the main one that I can figure is because I'm not happy with the things I've done in life, at least to some degree. I'm not sure if I have ever really wanted people to succeed or if I only want myself to succeed. I feel inadequate when I think someone is better then me at something. I get frustrated with the circles I keep myself in so I look outside of myself to find happiness or make myself happy by comparing what "I would have done" to what others have done. I realized that until you are actually in the same position there is NO WAY to tell what you would do. There was a time that I would find myself getting into this behavior and right on the spot I would pray for the person I was thinking about. I would ask God to forgive me and to humble me and to pour His blessing upon that person, even if I was so angry or irritated with them or their actions. I really started to notice that my mind was calming down and I was able to truly love people. I'm not really sure when me gradually stopping this happened or when my old self crept back into the picture, but I find myself in the place where I'm last seem often. Don't get me wrong, I know I've done a lot in this life to be proud of! I've had success on many different levels, but my definition of success keeps changing. What I longed for at 20 is not what I long for now on a lot of levels, and a lot of the innocence that I had has been traded for experience. But now, not in my darkest hour, or even my hungriest of hours, I find it hard to be happy for those who are achieving success or receiving the rewards for their hard work. I get jealous of people who's life seems to be going a smooth route, often forgetting that it's 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it. So what is the point you may ask?? I don't know. I suppose it is sort of my Post Secret, but I don't feel that I need to hide it. I want the peace that comes from coming clean and allowing people to really know me. I want to truly love and be happy for people, I want to cry with those in pain, I want to offer an ear to those who need to get something off their chests without them having a fear of me placing them into a category, and most of all I want it to not be about me, but for me to be a part of something bigger. I pray to be a part of something that moves with momentum towards the greater good and not the ugly, dark, and hidden recesses of the mind. I could only hope to be a sliver of a fraction of the light and peace the Jesus is. And so I end in a quote from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, "But your god-self dwells not alone in your being. Much in you is still man, and much in you is not yet man, But a shapeless pigmy that walks asleep in the mist searching for its own awakening."

This mood I can't describe...

It's blank, I'm blank, the space between is desolate and empty. My mind is restless and the pills aren't working, in fact, they are only making us sicker. We fight to win the battle so we can fight some more, fighting off responsibility and doubt so we can feel better about ourselves. Casting out our judgments as if we had the right, we're wishfully thinking of how we would react, yet in the moment we choose different paths. It's hard to hold onto something that changes shape. We are sure of our ideas about ourselves while we keep shifting like luggage during flight in overhead bins. We've all got our bags packed and our judgments to hold tight, but this emotional baggage is slowing us down and needs to be left if we're going to make it before we lose daylight. Bad's moon's rising, you can see it just over the horizon. Better hope that the people who love you will still welcome you in when they see how dirty your shoes have really gotten. For what is true love if not for loving the flaws? Who among us hasn't proposed the question of, "Who am I?" and "how have I gotten this far?"? This pattern of thought is my ego's revolving door and I'm trapped in the glass case as others get in. At this very moment, I know we're all the same, but I feel all alone. Feeling like there is nobody else who can even understand the depths of my sorrow's, so I hide it with smiles and random displays. They laugh and cheer for more, but I've given more then I've got and now my credits bad.