Falling into the past, for a moment...

The crisp chill on warm skin always brings me to that special place we used to know. With the gentle easing of a fall breeze I am moved into memories with autumn colored leaves. I can almost smell the way you smelt then, I can remember the softness of your bare skin against my bare skin, two bodies and souls intertwined under the blankets warmth. Nothing could harm us there, we were surrounded in ourselves and in our love. The simple act of a loving look, the pleasure of a delicate caress, the silent cup of coffee shared while being lost in the season. You are fall drive, windows down, music blasting, smoke barreling, life being grasped. I keep you in that breeze, in that season, so that when those winds start blowing I am transported to a beautiful time that was spent. I smile at the grand love that was shared, so I can stop in and visit you sometimes. It reminds me of the power of love and the importance of change, like the dying away of leaves to save the tree that is rooted, and the need to let it all flow and to not try and tighten my hold.

Flash Back Friday - Walkman's with Tape Decks

In this day and age where everything is moving so fast, where information is passed in nanoseconds, and things keep getting more streamlined and tiny, it's easy to forget what was innovative just years prior. I was marveling at my i-Pod's many functions and I had a fond memory of my Sony Walkman (and I'm talking about the tape deck one, not the CD player!). If you were alive during the 90's in America, you had one of these at one time or another. It was the most cutting edge technology of the time! You could take your tapes ON THE GO!! I specifically remember asking for this for Christmas and the delight on my face when I opened the wrapping on this gift and saw the shiny plastic packaging. I couldn't wait to get the scissors out and tear into it!! The greatest thing about getting this as a gift at that time was that it usually came with a pack of batteries! SCORE! You were mobile. When you're a kid you don't have a lot of money, and two things that became hard to come by were new tapes and batteries. It was a delicate balance between either 1.) Buying blank tapes to bootleg your friends music. 2.) Buying a new tape you really really want. or 3.) Buying batteries to keep mobile. Road trips were the biggest test of reserves. You could usually scrape together that money for the 4 pack of batteries. A typical trip to say, Anaheim from Las Vegas can run approximately 4 hours. The typical life of batteries running a tape player was right around 3 1/2 hours and then you had to switch to the radio, which got weaker and weaker until it faded into completely dead batteries. During the 3 1/2 hours of travel you no doubt have listened to the few precious tapes you own and are ready to mix it up a little. Luckily I have a cool brother who introduced me to some of the best hip hop ever during various road trips so we could share our tapes with each other. At this point though you are in California for what may be 2, 3, maybe 5 days. You will need to listen to some music while your there and you have the drive home still. The best conservation measure was straight radio only in the city. It just used less batteries plain and simple, you later while driving home through the desert you wouldn't be getting a signal unless you wanted to listen to county music or Christian radio. It was a great time!! Now a days you can RECHARGE YOUR MUSIC DEVICE?!?!?! 20 hours of music, with a car charger give you an unlimited amount of road music! If you want to listen to a song twice you need only press one button and in seconds it there. Want to re-listen to a specific part, look at the time on the screen and just skip to it, DONE. Not in the age of the tape. It took almost as long as the song to rewind it, if you didn't pass it a little and go to the other song. You just hoped that the song you wanted to listen to was the first song on that side of the tape so it would just stop at the beginning. But you better hope that the tape never snapped either! There is no fix to that blunder! It would just be done son, leaving you to either hope a friend has that tape or that you could buy another copy.

It's just interesting to look back and see what innovative and new vs. what is now. It makes you wonder what they will come up with next and if it will really enrich our lives or if it will kill us in the name of progress. I for one couldn't be happier with the invention of the the iPod!

LML

OOhhhhhhh what temporary joy came from a lack of inhibitions. What beast I've become wanting to hold and trap you like a bear would do a harmless bunny. You, with such a strong and drawing personality, lulling people into your spell. You captivated and challenged me, and although I fought with my better judgement, I lost the battle. I should have known better than to fall so freely into your void. Should have's and could have's don't hold any emotional currency. It's too late to pretend that I should have known better, I knew perfectly well. From the start we both dodged responsibility with clauses and pretty painted empty words. You came into my life for a season, I just hoped that it was for more. We shared a minute, a memory, a few laughs, a few endearing glances. It's the impending demise that I can't grasp well enough to just let go.

The Year (2009) - In Retrospect

As years go by and resolutions come and go, I've learned that if you want to change anything it doesn't matter what time of year you do it, you have to be committed to making a change. Of course sometimes things change and in order to move forward you must deal with them, and by doing this you are making fundamental changes to your character without forcing anything. But a new year always makes me reflective. It gives me a point of reference for looking back. There are always laughter and there is always a few tears, there are accomplishments and letdowns, there is pride and there is defeat. Yet in the end, at the point of reflection, I've made it another turn around the sun. 2009 started with a bang, quit literally! Jorge and I rang in the new year with Michelle, TRH, Nicole, Jamie, and Liz. We ran around the house banging on pots and pans screaming, "WE'RE GONNA SHINE IN 09'!" After years of playing the immigration game Jorge and I had FINALLY received a letter telling us that we had an appointment to get his Visa!! The appointment was in Cuidad Juarez, Mexico. We started this process almost 4 years ago. Happy and in love we wanted the same rights as everyone else who is married in America. We wanted to be able to work in jobs we deserved, open bank accounts, travel to see our family, etc... You know the rest of the story. On February 13th we tearfully said our goodbyes as Jorge boarded an airplane en route to Celaya and I got in the car to make the 3,000 mile drive back to Portland without my husband. But the Medina's will not be held down! We knew what had to be done. We were happy in love and thankful that we were able to have our road trip that took us on roads and to cities we had both not been to yet. We went to Vegas, Phoenix, New Mexico, El Paso, and Juarez. People will not understand our story or our love, well not all people. Everyone has their opinion about immigration, our situation, and they way we've been handling it. Some have agreed and some have had very "interesting" takes on what they would do. It's funny really, but the biggest thing I learned in 2009 is that you can NEVER say what you would do in someone else's shoes, PERIOD. Anything you could offer besides support is wishful thinking at best. But we moved forward, apart in the flesh, but together in our spirits. You have to handle business sometimes. I came back to Portland determined on many levels, but the first was to get a job. I knew that when it was time that God would open up a door for me. Within two weeks of being back I had landed a job at another engineering firm. I was happy to be absorbing new information and working again around people who were very supportive. I was in the zone chief. I know that life is too short to sit around pitying yourself, you have to get out and do what you want/need to do. I have a very supportive husband who is selfless and giving. He encouraged me to travel and to do what I needed to do. This year I was able to travel to the Redwood Forest for the first time. It was absolutely amazing. Breathtaking and humbling in so many ways. Michelle and I spent a long weekend in San Francisco with my good friend Mario and his left brain Adam (also T-Bone). We saw a music festival (PEARL JAM BITCHES) and got inked (freaking Ovieto! haha). I traveled to Sacramento to see my friend Nick. I was able to get to the coast a few times, I was able to see Pearl Jam for a 24th time in Washington, and got to see Ghostface Killah, Regina Spektor, and others. But the most memorable was In June I was able to travel to Mexico and spend over a week with Jorge for his birthday. This was the first time I was able to see his hometown and meet the rest of my family! It was also the first time we'd seen each other in 6 months!! We had an amazing time together. We went to Mexico City, Celaya, San Miguel de Allende, and Leon (where we got to see Cafe Tebuva!!!). We cherished every moment (okay maybe not when I got sick, but even then Jorge was great to me). Back to reality, back to the bills. Back to Portland and that familiar feeling; what the hell am I doing?? I have great friends in Portland, like a family for real!! They love Jorge and have been so great and supportive, yet what about my real family? I'll tell you this, I can be a hard bitch, but I'm a lover and a carer beyond that hard exterior. My stepdad Duane was in his 4th year of battling multiple myeloma and he was very sick this past year. He was in the hospital over 4 times, and never for something simple. It killed me to be so far away from a support standpoint. My mom is a rock, she's the strongest woman I know! But even rocks can turn to sand if rubbed the wrong way long enough. She'd never say it to me, but I knew she needed me. I was lucky enough to come home for Thanksgiving, my first time in 3 years. When I got back Duane had just gotten out of the hospital battling a blood infection. He was weak and not exactly himself. I made up my mind, I was going to come back to Vegas for a little while. I didn't do this to have people label me as daughter of the year or to win some prize, I did it because I could and I knew that God wanted me there. I went back to Portland to arrange my affairs, put our earthly possessions into storage, pick up the kids, and drive back to Vegas. Within the week Duane was back in the hospital and within that same week he was in the ICU. Driving back to LV was the weirdest drive for me, I just knew that I was going to say goodbye to Duane. It was all around me as I drove past his hometown and followed me until I pulled into my mother's driveway. The next day my mother and I (who has become very acquainted with hospitals over the past 5 years and who'd been there all day every day by Duane's side) went to see Duane. It was the hardest thing I'd had to do so far. Seeing him there was horrible. He was not conscience and hooked to what seemed like every machine the hospital had. My mom told me just to talk to him. She told him that I was there now. He opened his eyes. I told him that I loved him and that he was sooo strong. He got a very serious look in his eyes and he was trying to tell me what I know was that he loved me too, he didn't need to say it, he showed me for 10 years, but he couldn't speak. We sat with him or near him in the waiting room for the next week. One day after his 5 year anniversary of being diagnosed with MM, Duane passed away peacefully with my mother right by his side. His suffering had ended, he had won his battle. I don't even have to ask if my coming back was supposed to happen, it's obvious. I was, and am soooo thankful that I was able to be there with him and be there for my mom. Yeah, I miss him. It hit me harder then I had imaged it would have, yet even in my worldly grief I could see the light in the darkness. There were so many ways that Duane had blessed my life and my family. We miss you, but we won't forget you.

And so the year ended on a bittersweet note, much as it began. But there were so many things to be thankful for that I wouldn't change any of it. I thought I knew before, but now I'm assured of the fact that you have to do what you know is right. You have to sacrifice your comfort for the comfort or support of others. This life is not for holding tight to yourself, it's for sharing. I don't want a career, a big car, big trips, etc. I want to be there for the people I love and even the people I don't know I love yet, but mostly, be there for my family. Where will 2010 take me? I don't know!! and guess what?? I don't care!! I know I will be exactly where God needs me to be!! I won't starve, I won't be overcome by the problems of the world, but instead I will steal a quote that my good friend Nick always has around, I will "be the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi. Your 2010 is blessed, go out and enjoy it!! I love you all!