How much honesty can we really take???

I stumbled upon Post Secrets about a year ago. If there are any of you out there who aren't familiar with this check out the blog: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. Basically you can create a post card, letter, or the like with a confession you have never told anyone before and that was completely truthful. I became mildly obsessed with them and the whole concept. People judge, have been since the fall, and probably will do it until the end of time. Even if we don't think we judge, or we try to hide a voice in our head with other thoughts, the truth is the truth whether we accept it or not. I often think that if people really knew what I was thinking about them they wouldn't even believe it. As a "Christian" (a follower of Jesus, not the religion) we're told to not judge, but instead to love. Yet I sit at church and judge people who arrive late, who text, who fall sleep, the clothing choices, etc. I go out in public and I make judgments based on the limited experiences that I've had. Nobody is safe, if you're my friend for any length of time, chances are I've talked shit about you. I've done this for many reasons, but the main one that I can figure is because I'm not happy with the things I've done in life, at least to some degree. I'm not sure if I have ever really wanted people to succeed or if I only want myself to succeed. I feel inadequate when I think someone is better then me at something. I get frustrated with the circles I keep myself in so I look outside of myself to find happiness or make myself happy by comparing what "I would have done" to what others have done. I realized that until you are actually in the same position there is NO WAY to tell what you would do. There was a time that I would find myself getting into this behavior and right on the spot I would pray for the person I was thinking about. I would ask God to forgive me and to humble me and to pour His blessing upon that person, even if I was so angry or irritated with them or their actions. I really started to notice that my mind was calming down and I was able to truly love people. I'm not really sure when me gradually stopping this happened or when my old self crept back into the picture, but I find myself in the place where I'm last seem often. Don't get me wrong, I know I've done a lot in this life to be proud of! I've had success on many different levels, but my definition of success keeps changing. What I longed for at 20 is not what I long for now on a lot of levels, and a lot of the innocence that I had has been traded for experience. But now, not in my darkest hour, or even my hungriest of hours, I find it hard to be happy for those who are achieving success or receiving the rewards for their hard work. I get jealous of people who's life seems to be going a smooth route, often forgetting that it's 10% what happens to you and 90% how you deal with it. So what is the point you may ask?? I don't know. I suppose it is sort of my Post Secret, but I don't feel that I need to hide it. I want the peace that comes from coming clean and allowing people to really know me. I want to truly love and be happy for people, I want to cry with those in pain, I want to offer an ear to those who need to get something off their chests without them having a fear of me placing them into a category, and most of all I want it to not be about me, but for me to be a part of something bigger. I pray to be a part of something that moves with momentum towards the greater good and not the ugly, dark, and hidden recesses of the mind. I could only hope to be a sliver of a fraction of the light and peace the Jesus is. And so I end in a quote from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran, "But your god-self dwells not alone in your being. Much in you is still man, and much in you is not yet man, But a shapeless pigmy that walks asleep in the mist searching for its own awakening."

This mood I can't describe...

It's blank, I'm blank, the space between is desolate and empty. My mind is restless and the pills aren't working, in fact, they are only making us sicker. We fight to win the battle so we can fight some more, fighting off responsibility and doubt so we can feel better about ourselves. Casting out our judgments as if we had the right, we're wishfully thinking of how we would react, yet in the moment we choose different paths. It's hard to hold onto something that changes shape. We are sure of our ideas about ourselves while we keep shifting like luggage during flight in overhead bins. We've all got our bags packed and our judgments to hold tight, but this emotional baggage is slowing us down and needs to be left if we're going to make it before we lose daylight. Bad's moon's rising, you can see it just over the horizon. Better hope that the people who love you will still welcome you in when they see how dirty your shoes have really gotten. For what is true love if not for loving the flaws? Who among us hasn't proposed the question of, "Who am I?" and "how have I gotten this far?"? This pattern of thought is my ego's revolving door and I'm trapped in the glass case as others get in. At this very moment, I know we're all the same, but I feel all alone. Feeling like there is nobody else who can even understand the depths of my sorrow's, so I hide it with smiles and random displays. They laugh and cheer for more, but I've given more then I've got and now my credits bad.

Celebrities and the Death of their Family Members

It's not hard to see when there is a new trend in scumbag celebrity reporting. First it was celebrity dating and who's screwing who. Oh man I sure can't wait to see who the next person to date John Mayer or who poor Jennifer Aniston will painfully break up with next. Dating wasn't enough. The temporaries in the Hollywood circles began to think that maybe their shacking up wouldn't look so bad if they had a ultra sheik wedding and claimed that they'd "finally found their soul mate!!!" That trend only lasted long enough to get to the next big trend, divorce! The more expensive and publicly painful the better. Style points given for verbal jabs that end up on TMC. But like the dress worn at the last People's Choice awards it was out of style before the night was over. Enter the Hollywood baby boom. Toting a new baby in a designer stroller and snagging the cover of People with the new tike's face and elaborate nursery was the new pink! If you're fertility doctor was lucky enough to dole up twins EVEN BETTER!! But kids grow up and what better way to celebrate that then someones kid ending up in rehab? Or better yet, what about if that kid we though was really cute in The Adventures of Growing Up ends up there! Even better!! The only thing better for the sick bastards who report this crap is what made me decide to write this entry, the death of someone who's famous. But now the latest shame, the death of celebrities children or family members.

Although I jest about these things it's gotten completely out of control. I am not just talking about the paparazzi or the Mark McGraths of the world. I'm talking about our need to see this crap EVERYWHERE!?!?. Have we lost all compassion or sense of wrong and right? It's hardly our business to know that they have passed on, let alone details of the death! When my local news decides that's more important news then showing that hundreds of people died in conflict or any number of things more relavent to the world it really really rubs me raw. If nobody was watching these shows or buying these magazines then there wouldn't be a market for it. There is a reason these trends got started, they followed the money trail. They looked at what was selling and put all of their energy into exploiting it. I know that to most people this seems like common sense, but yet the circus still sells out every night. It's almost like we get joy from others suffering. We aren't watching the real news or getting involved in our communities, NO! Instead we're piling up the kindling under the stakes for the modern day witch trials and reaching for the matches. Maybe to make our lives seem that much better, I don't really know. It's easy to not regard people as people if you don't ever have to have a conversation with them or be held accountable for our careless remarks. Yeah yeah yeah, it's a part of being "famous" right?? No!!! No matter what happens we have to have compassion and not have the need to know all things at all times. Sometimes things just aren't our business! And we should take comfort in the fact that we aren't having those problems in our life, not that someone else is. There are in fact REAL PROBLEMS PLAGUING HUMANITY!! Death is the end to every one's story and no matter how much we hide from it we will lose people very close to us, or we already have. Either way I think we can all appreciate a little discretion. In the meantime pick up a newspaper or a book, take a walk, volunteer, etc. It won't be long before the next trend is KNOWLEDGE!! Wouldn't you rather lead the trend then be behind the times??

Getting the dirt off my shoulders.....

I'm back!!! It's been a while, guess I felt that I didn't really have much to say for a year (also deleting my myspace with all of my blogs put a wrench into the works too DOH!!). Sometimes you just have to sit back and listen before you speak I suppose.

It's late and I need to wake up fresh for this to really pop! SO GET READY KIDS!! GONNA SHINE IN 09!!!